The Apple Doesn't Fall Far..Part 2

Lest you think we have lost our sense of humor here at chez Wendymom- this little incident should reassure you.

As much as my daughter is like me, my son is like my husband. Easy going, kind of shy until he gets to know you, goofy sense of humor, and laid back. We often joke that the Lord has given us mini versions of ourselves- and that's why we both gravitate toward the opposite child.

Last week was kind of crazy around here- the hubby was in California for a business trip, the missionary family we had living here was leaving, and it was my baby's second birthday on the weekend. Additionally, we housed a nationally known speaker from the homeschool movement who was in town for the weekend for a meeting.

So, on Saturday after soccer- I asked the whole family to pitch in and help me get ready for the party on Sunday afternoon. Now, mind you, the first floor was pretty clean given the presence of the out of town guest (sometime soon I'll blog about that one)- but the 2nd floor was a decided mess. Why does this matter? Because the toy room is up there, and I knew the kids coming to the party would want to play in it. Given that the floor was not really visible- it needed a good picking up and vacuuming. I am a little neurotic in that I figure if there will be kids in the toy room, there may end up being adults up there as well- they may have to mediate, help clean up etc. So, I wanted the rest of the 2nd floor picked up and vacuumed as well. Oh, and the 2 bathrooms up there needed to be wiped down just in case someone was busy in the one down here and they were needed. I think you're getting the picture. I promise, I really wasn't trying to make the place spotless- just not so embarrassing!

Back to Saturday afternoon. Hubby and 5 year old son were sitting in the dining room as I was laying out the one task I wanted their help with- just pick up the toy room and bedrooms so I could come through and vacuum uninterrupted- when my son looked at me with a genuinely perplexed look and said the following,

"Momma, why can't you leave it the way it is?... it looks fine to me!"

When I tell you my head swiveled around to catch my husband's eye so fast I almost herniated something- I mean it. It was all I could do to not bust out laughing and crying at the same time.

If I have heard that e-x-a-c-t sentence once, I've heard it a hundred times from my husband's mouth. I just never expected the genetics to kick in so soon.

Needless to say, both hubby and I laughed a good natured chuckle, shaking our heads and marveling at it.

Then, I put them all to work!

Oh my...

Today was an interesting day. This morning we went to soccer with the 3 kids, hubby is an assistant coach on the boy's team, and the baby and I roam between the fields for 2 1/2 hours each week showing our "family support". When hubby and I decided to have our kids involved in things, we decided that if at all possible, we would go to them as a family- hence my presence there each week.

This week was a little different- a very good friend of mine was there with her 3 week old baby boy. I saw them from across the field, went over and sat down with her and her husband. She offered to let me hold the baby- was very sweet about it- and so I did. I can't describe to you the total feeling of my mind and heart ripping in two at that time. Oh my, such a beautiful little newborn boy- soft, cute, smelling like a baby. Such happiness and joy for my friend and her family.

At the same time, such pain in my heart. I will never get to hold my son David as a 3 week old like that. I miss him. I still want him. And, it hurts. I could hardly keep the tears at bay while I talked with my friend- I didn't want to bring her sadness during this awesome time. I have been teary eyed all day since then.

Additionally, today was the day I was to prepare a meal for another friend who just had a baby. Hers is a boy too. Praise the Lord for my awesome husband who delivered it for me- no questions asked. I told him I've been sad about the baby today and he has asked me about 12 times if there's anything he can do for me. Thank you for that, Lord.

To add to my plate- my, ahem, "friend" has arrived as well. I keep telling the Lord that it is all in His control, but then my heart desires what it cannot have.

I am going to delve into the following scripture and make it my own for the rest of this weary day.

Psalm 35: 17-19, 22
The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart,
and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
The Lord redeemeth the soul of His servants,
and none of them that trust in Him shall be desolate.

Thanks for listening.

Daily Reminders of God's Grace

Let's just say I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. Hypothetically speaking- overwhelmed, grieving, frustrated, and stressed. Anybody else ever been there?

The Lord used this post to remind me, gently I might add, of my value in my home to the children I have here. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the "doing" of being a homeschooling mommy, that I forget about the "being" and the big picture.

This morning I was humbled to discover this blog. I read through a very brief section of this lovely lady's posts, and found myself so deeply touched by her plight. Oh my word- what a little perspective won't do for you!

Yes, I am grieving deeply the loss of our baby, and yes, it is painful. But there are others out there dealing with much different and more challenging things. The one thing I do know is that God cares about all of it- and has it all in His grand plan for each of us. Would you please pray for me today to be strong, and for these other ladies as well? Thank you.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far....

Some people tell me that I am rather a bit of a "crusader". I'm sure it's because when I get passionate about something, I can't let it go until it is properly cared for. I absolutely despise injustice- when I see something "wrong" happening, I will work until it is righted. Customer service is always a biggie for me- because I was a waitress, secretary, and nurse at various points in my life. I have the insiders track into these areas, and am not afraid to speak up until something is resolved.

So, yes, this means that I have called the "1-800-Taco-Bell" number to report the 17 year old workers there for using foul language when I came through the drive through. My hubby will literally stand back, shaking his head and laughing as I go to work. I always try to be respectful, and take the "catch more bees with honey than vinegar" approach first- at least until I meet resistance. Then I have been known to go toe to toe with the tenacity of a bull dog. Oh, there are stories about me that are almost legendary from my time as a nurse.

This past week a good friend of mine asked me to drive one of her kids for swim lessons because her other child had a high fever. I of course offered to come get him so she wouldn't have to leave the house. She just lives in the next town over- the town that is the same mailing address as mine. I don't go over to this town very often, for everything I need is much closer to my home if I go east instead of west. Oh, and every time I go to this particular town, I get lost. Not just a little lost- but really lost. I don't know what it is, especially since our area is literally laid out like a grid, with north/south roads regularly intersected by multiple east/west roads. The road leading into this town, however, is one of those where two routes converge into one and then diverge again. Right in the middle of town, with one sign pointing to the divergence. If you miss the sign, you miss the road. Simple as that. Even my husband- who once drove us home from Vermont with no map , on the scenic route through the Adirondacks, gets turned around there.

After I assured my friend I would pick up her son, I went on Google maps to find directions to her house. Mind you, I've been there before, but wanted to have something with me as a guide in case I got lost in the Bermuda triangle again. We set out in plenty of time to get there early, and wonder of wonders, I got lost. Again. I followed the directions on the map search to a "t" and still couldn't find it. I drove up and down the same road 5 times looking for the side street to turn on, all the while with the kids in the back helpfully adding "Mom, we're lost." "Momma, if we're late for swim lessons, can we still go in the pool?" and other helpful things. I won't go into detail about how high my blood pressure was after about 10 minutes of this- especially when I looked in my purse and discovered I had left my cell phone home. Oh, and I was due at swim lessons to teach the bible study/lesson before it started- no pressure there! We did eventually reach our friend's home, picked up their son and got back on the road. The problem had been that the directions weren't as clear as they could've been about the two roads splitting back off from one another- you are told on Google maps to "follow" a certain route- but they don't specify that the two split off from one another on Main Street, on a tiny section where you have about one second to see the sign.

I'm getting to the point, really I am!

As we were driving away, my 8 year old daughter piped up from the back seat- "Momma, we should go onto the internet, to the "how are we doing section" of Google maps and tell them they were wrong." I'm like, "Um, hum honey, sure". Then she says, "Here's what we'll say- Dear Google maps- you are wrong! We had to go pick up a friend for swim lessons today and got lost because of you. I am not happy about it. I was very mad about it too. We almost didn't make it to lessons on time, and if you don't fix it, the next person will be late too. Next time, we are going to use the competitors map. The ---- Family." I almost drove off the road, cracking up. She had it down perfectly! And I promise the line about the competitor is totally authentic.

Apparently, this trait is genetic. I have never included a section on "How to be a crusader for all that is right and good" in our homeschool curriculum, but the child has it d-o-w-n. Amazing! The cool part is that if we can get her raised up in her beliefs about God as the ultimate authority of right/wrong, she will be less likely to be swayed from them because of this. And, she won't be afraid to speak out for Him. Kind of like a superhero who has to learn to use their power for good. So, for this I am grateful today.

My Wake Up Call

Have you ever gone through something so painful that you literally don't even want to think about it, much less feel it- but it keeps popping up anyway? My life has been that way for the last 4 weeks or so, and it's getting kind of tiring. This post is about how God showed me a way out- at least for today. Right after we lost baby David, we went to California for 2 weeks. It was a great time away from the reality of life, but as soon as we got home, things came crashing in again. While we were out there, my father had a stroke and was hospitalized for 3 days. It was very difficult to be so far away during that time. In addition, I recently found out that a member of our last missionary family to stay with us (in April) has been diagnosed with tuberculosis. I am devastated for her and her family, praying and loving on her from afar- but also concerned about my family. We now have to go to the Health Department and all be screened for TB. Of course, I am most concerned about my kids- and I can't even bear the thought that I might lose another child. So, yesterday I was really struggling with wanting to give it all up. I know my life was empty and crazy without the Lord, but who wants all the pain, attack, stress, and trial that comes with walking with the Lord as He conforms us to His image. For He promises us in I Peter 4: 12-13 that we will have trials. "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: but rejoice, inasmuch as you are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy." Yeah, wow, some day, the bible promises, I will be "glad, with exceeding joy" about all this. I haven't really been feeling that way about it. I wanted to walk away. Give up on God and the Christian life, and be like everyone else.

BUT-

Today, I opened my Bible and found Psalm 73. I was at the gym- trying to get a hold again of the commitment to my fitness and health as I promised my Father in January (which I have been struggling mightily with I might add)- and just let my bible fall open. This is what the Lord showed me-

Verses 2-3, 5: "But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped- for I was envious of the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked" This is true- me feet were almost gone into depressions and grief, and the desire to walk away.

I was envious of the world because of verse 5- "They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men". I could wholeheartedly agree with the psalmist in envying that position.

In verses 14 and 16, the psalmist describes perfectly my feelings of yesterday, "for all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning...when I thought to know this, it was too painful for me."

Then, verses 17 and 20 were the wake up call I needed, "Until I went into the sanctuary of God: then I understood their end...as a dream when one awaketh; so, Oh Lord, when thou awakest, thou shall despise their image." God literally despises these people- the image of their lives are of no use to Him whatsoever, nor does He care to try them to allow them to draw closer to Him. The people who are without trial are not loved by the Lord the way those of us who are in the thick of it are. When we envy them, we are as verse 22 states, " So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee." Like an animal- no thought, feeling or life outside of being driven by blind habit and repeated action.

Yet, even in the midst of the harshest thing about this psalm- He again promises His love and care for us. Verses 23-24 state "Nevertheless I am continually with thee; thou hast holden my right hand- thou shall guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory." He has never left me through this, even when I echoed the psalmists words in verse 26 "My flesh and my heart faileth", but instead promises to be continually with me, holding my right hand, guiding every step with His counsel, and with the the reward of being received into glory.

So now my prayer for today is verses 25 and 29, " Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my tust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works." May I desire Him more than anything, even if it means walking through these trails of faith, trusting He will never let go of my hand, and that these trails are His guiding my life through His counsels. Remembering that even when my flesh and my heart fail, "God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." (verse 26).

Thank you Father.

The Journey

Hey all- I'm sure most of you know this by now, but I wanted to post something general about this to get the info out there, and to say it out loud again (it's helping me to admit it's real).

So, the bad news is that Eric and I lost our baby. At 9 weeks we went for an ultrasound and found out that the baby died at about 6 weeks. Some time later I may blog about the whole experience because I feel it might be helpful to others out there, and only as God leads me to. Suffice to say, it's full of pain, mercy, love, joy, peace, and agony. Amazing how one event can do all that. BUT, the good news is that we now know for sure that one of our kids is safe.

That is, SAFE in heaven with God. Never to sin. Never to turn away from God. Never to feel pain, struggle, or cry because someone was mean to him. Never to suffer. He was created, and then he was with God. The ultimate goal of every Christian parent is to raise kids that love the Lord, accept Him as their Saviour, and end up in heaven with Him. I could never wish for less for my son. I would not wish him here for one minute if it meant him not ending up in heaven.
But, it does hurt. Many times a day, for a variety of reasons.

Oh, and we did name him. Both Eric and I prayed and felt that the Lord answered that it was a boy- so David Alan Merz is now in heaven.

Psalm 63: 1-7
"Oh, God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land where no water is, to see thy power and thy glory , so as I have seen in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better that life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips when I remember thee upon my bed , and meditate on thee in the night watches- because thou has been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings, will I rejoice."

Amen, and amen.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way....

In my last post, I gave you all the awesome news that my husband and I are expecting our fourth child in January 2009. To say this news has literally changed my life would be an understatement.

Back in January of this year, when the Lord finally got through to my heart that I needed to deal with my sin issues with food, I was raring to go. I was so pumped up, walking so closely to Him and His word, that it seemed daily I would see multiple evidences of His love, care and provision for my life. I loved Weight Watchers, never felt hungry, and had very few urges to binge. This honeymoon phase lasted until the first week I gained weight. You see, I thought that I had totally surrendered the results to the Lord, but I had to have a week where I gained to see that I was becoming complacent in my success. I had stopped focusing solely on the Lord, started taking some credit for myself, and started to really feel like "I've got this beat now!"

When this happened, I was humbled immediately. My emotions were very up and down- I was angry with myself for "failing", angry with the Lord for my gaining weight, relieved that it had finally happened- so I could deal with it, and disappointed. I promptly went into a two day binge- stopped measuring food, tracked less, didn't exercise. Then I really realized how much my good feelings about what were happening were tied up in the results at the scale. If a one pound gain could send me "off the wagon", what was my real motivation? To please God? Or to see the weight come off? Of course I wanted to be obedient to God- that's what started this whole process. The weight coming off was a bonus- as was the extra energy from exercising and all the other benefits. But the reality is, that even if I never lose another pound for the rest of my life, I am still supposed to eat healthily, exercise, and have a right relationship to food. Because it has been an idol in my life, I need to battle it every day, through God's power, to keep it in the proper place. I repented, and moved on.

That brings me to the now. Since I found out I am pregnant, I have been a little flummoxed to say the least. I have been unable to attend any meetings, can't even weigh in on the same scale, and in the past 3 weeks have been sick twice (sinus infection and stomach flu), so my attendance at the gym has been spotty at best. I have found myself unsure how to proceed. I am supposed to eat 12 extra points a day for the pregnancy, but have found that is WAY too much food. So instead of continuing to make the healthier choices, I have reverted to lots of carbs and fats, and decreased the fruits and veggies. In the back of my mind has been this little voice saying, "You are pregnant now- you know you need at least 2000 calories a day- that's what your doctor told you, and it's too hard to get that through veggies and fruit. No-one is seeing your weight, and even if they are and you gain- it's OK because your pregnant." WOW! My, how quickly we can fall! I have known for a week or more that I've been slipping, but really haven't felt much like dealing with it- it's gotten so complicated. But....but.... I'm still supposed to be obedient. So-

I praise the Lord for a new friend He has recently given me. Today I read her post and KNEW what was wrong. I have lost my first love. I have gotten away from the knowledge that my relationship to food is a sin if it's in the wrong proportion to my relationship to my Father in heaven. And I've used His blessing of a new baby as an excuse to do it. Well if that's not typical addict behavior, I don't know what is! Lord God, forgive me.

I tell you this not because I like airing my dirty laundry, but because I must admit it to get on with life. I hope someone out there who reads this will be encouraged in a similar struggle to cling to the Lord in times of change and avoid the mistakes I made. I know my Father makes no mistakes, and thank him for using my friend's timely words to speak to my sinning heart. I refuse to give up or give in and quit. I will focus my eyes upon Him to gain my daily strength and needs- the food will then take care of itself. I will keep going to the gym, even if I can hardly move from the pregnancy, because God told me to. I don't need man's approval to do it- only my Father in heaven. Would you please pray for me as I forge ahead in my journey?

I gotta go now. I've got some business to take care of with my Father. Praise the Lord!

Big news (or little news, however you want to look at it!)

So, the latest and greatest info around here is that the husband and I are expecting a new little one sometime in January 2009. This is the fourth blessing from the Lord for our family, and we are ecstatic. The reactions have been varied and interesting:

1.) Hubby was very excited (he is hoping for boy #2- not that he doesn't totally love his girls), then he said, "Make sure you have it before the end of 2008 so we can get the tax deduction." Nice. The guy has a masters degree and 43 patents, but 3 kids later still hasn't gotten that I can't exactly PLAN this!
2.) My friend Mary screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my eardrum- I'm still waiting for the buzzing to wear off.
3.) My sister and best friend Terri both laughed and cried. She has been unable to have her own children- so it is always bittersweet for her. How do you know someone truly loves you? When they are happy for you, even while hurting for themselves-- and they don't let their hurt cloud over your happiness. That's just one reason why she's the best in the whole universe!
4.) My sister Aimee screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my other eardrum- guess I should've applied myself more to learning sign language, as I'm not sure how long the buzzing will last.
5.) The 22 year old trainer guy at the gym said, "Dude, you can totally work out right up until you pop". I'm not kidding, that was his real response to my question about restrictions in my exercise routine. To which I then promptly flicked him in the middle of his forehead for being a dweeb! (I made that last part up, but I wanted to, I really did).
6.) My mother and many friends at church are just totally excited and happy for us.
7.) Weight Watchers has kicked me out! Seriously, they don't have a pregnancy program because of "liability issues". My leader was very apologetic, but I think it stinks that they would do that- I understand that people aren't supposed to "try" to lose weight while they're pregnant, and I'm not wanting to do anything to harm or endanger this baby, but it's a healthy way to eat- so why not continue? In fact, with some modifications, I intend to.

That brings me to the last and most important reaction of all- God's. He is the one who started me on this journey, and He knew exactly where I would be in it when I found out this news. He is not surprised or perplexed, and He will not leave me to falter now. "Being confident of this very thing that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ". Phil. 1:6. I will continue and be victorious through Him, using the gym and WW as a tool, but counting on Him for my strength.

In fact, He had already provided for me before I ever got to the meeting and knew I would need some other form of support and accountability. During the meeting time, there is opportunity for people who have reached significant goals to share a tip about their success. I had been somewhat hesitant to introduce the God portion of my weight loss, but I knew I couldn't keep quiet about it forever- and planned to use the time when I reached my 10% goal to testify to the Lord's deliverance for me from the bondage of this addiction. I wanted to be careful how I framed it- not because I'm ashamed, but for the very opposite reason- I wanted God to get the maximum glory for the success.

At last week's meeting, our leader reminded us that one of the group members was featured in the WW newsletter- and her story is titled "With A Prayer". Her testimony is on the WW national website, and in it, she tells the world how she came to a place of total surrender and trust in the Lord to deliver her from her food addiction- much like my own story. I read it this week, and was encouraged to share my faith in the meeting as well. I was waiting for my 10% goal to be reached, and praying for God to give me the words to say.

Here's where God comes in perfectly- as He always does. I met my 10% off goal at this week's meeting- the last one I will be attending until after this baby is born. I was able to share about how God has been delivering me from this bondage, and encourage others to think about God and their need for Him as well. Mind you, I was a little conflicted emotionally, being somewhat disappointed after having heard about not being able to return, but my heavenly Father already had His plan in place to encourage me. After the meeting ended, Jane came up to me and invited me to a weekly bible study she runs for people struggling with weight issues. Did you get the whole picture? The God who created the entire universe and orders it's steps every day, cared enough to already have a plan in place for me to continue in an even better fellowship than the one I was leaving! Not only did I get the reward of my 10% off key chain as a visual reminder of His deliverance, but the "hug" from Him that He already knew what my need would be, had provided a solution, and showed it to me so readily. You can call it coincidence if you like, but I know better!

That's the best reaction yet. Praise the Lord!

Pondering Life's Imponderables

A few thoughts for your consideration:

Why is it that every time I clean my stove top, something like rice or oatmeal promptly boils over and cooks onto the burner?

Anyone's kids have pee radar like mine? Because every time we give our son a bath, that's the night he wets the bed. E-v-e-r-y t-i-m-e.

Did you ever notice when you're driving home from somewhere and you have to go to the bathroom, that as soon as you get within a mile or so from home, it gets almost unbearable? (I've tried lying to myself "We're still 5 miles/20 minutes away- you can hold it"-- but it doesn't really work).

No matter how carefully you prepare a grocery list- within 24 hours you find at least one item that you needed- usually something basic like milk or bread.

Conversely, the week you stock up on peppers at Aldis because they look really good and you know you haven't had any in a while-- when you get home you find two packages in the back of the fridge from the last time they looked good.

We all know about the kids' mommy radar for when you're on the telephone or in the bathroom- it just never fails. I love when I'm on with a customer service rep and they sound so concerned for my kids' welfare- "Are you sure you don't need to go get them?" NO! I'm going to finish this if it kills me- or them.

How about when you're running late for somewhere you need to be- doctor's appointment, standardized testing etc.- isn't that always the time your baby has an absolute blow out diaper requiring a full clothing change?

Or when you decide you're only going to be gone for 15 minutes, so you don't need the diaper bag-- and the same thing happens?

Then there's always the mad rush to get somewhere when you spill coffee/tea/diet coke right down the front of your shirt because you are trying to drive, answer the cell phone, count the kids to make sure you didn't leave one home, and drink it all at the same time. It never happens when you're not in a hurry- or when it doesn't matter what you look like when you arrive.

It's these things that prompt me to have a Tide pen in my purse, a change of clothing in the car for anyone in diapers, and to wish for bedding that's like the paper on the exam tables in the doctor's office- roll out and tear off.

Please tell me I 'm not alone--- please.

Otherwise, I might need to seek professional help.

Ladies Retreat.

In my last post, I mentioned that I am getting up three times a week at 5:00 am to go to the gym. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have NEVER professed to be a "morning person". In fact, my growing up years were literally painful because both my mother and sister were morning people- who actually talk, laugh and are cheerful in the morning. I swear, it's a sickness of some kind...

Anyhoona, if you would have told me a year ago that I'd be doing this today, I would've probably herniated something vital laughing at you. (Nice, I know, but I'm not perfect!)

Why, you ask then, am I doing this? Thanks for asking- I thought you never would.....

In January of this year I went to the Ladies Retreat through our church. Now in the past when I have gone, it's been mainly to have a relaxing weekend off from life, rest, eat tons of good food, and fellowship with friends. This year however, I wasn't even planning on going until about a week before the retreat. I had decided that it was too hard for my family for me to be away, and that I didn't need the time off. I know- what was I thinking?!?! What mother doesn't need time off?

I realized that I really did want to go, and signed up at the last minute. It's amazing to look back and see how God ordered my steps in so many ways to get me there- for He had a big work to do in me that weekend. About 3 days before the retreat, I threw my back out. Seriously out- I couldn't walk, sit or stand in any comfort at all, and spent the entire time flat on the floor of my house (try homeschooling 2 kids with an 18 month old running around while lying on the floor sometime- go ahead, I dare you!). But, God knew what He was doing- he always does. Because I was in so much pain and had to fight to get to the retreat, I was truly expecting something big to come of it spiritually. You see, had I been my normal self, I would've spent a lot of time being social there, and maybe not so much time being spiritual there.

As it was, I literally laid on the floor in the back of the room on a camping mat the whole weekend. The only time I got up was to eat and go to the bathroom. Ever heard the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10? That's what I had to do- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And God changed my heart in a huge way.

The scripture for the weekend was Hebrews 12: 1 "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which does so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"-- the Amazing Race. The speaker encouraged us to identify our weights- the things that keep us from running our race to the fullest for the Lord, and our besetting sin- the main thing in our life that encumbers us through unrighteousness. As I pondered her words from my position on the floor, fully expecting God to do a mighty work in me, I asked Him to show me my besetting sin.

The answer He gave? FEAR.

Fear of so many things- people, places, events- but most of all- fear of lack of control in my life. Specifically, fear of letting God truly be God in my life. To rule and make all decisions for me, every day. One of the ways I managed the chaos and hurt of my life before getting saved was through iron- fisted control of people and events around me. Gods used this weekend to show me that it was a sin, and lack of faith in my life not to trust Him in all areas of my life.

I have known for years that I have a problem with food and needed to do something about it- but I wasn't willing to give up my sin. Prov 23:2 says, "...Put a knife to thy throat if thou be a man given to appetite." and Prov. 23: 20-21 "be not among winebibbers ; among riotous eaters of flesh: for the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty..." For the first time I realized that my lack of obedience in dealing with this sin was based in fear. Fear of giving up the food I used for comfort, fear of allowing God to change me, even fear of having loose skin and an ugly body after the weight loss is done! It was amazing to me how much fear had permeated my thoughts and life. Suffice to say, I gave it all to the Lord that weekend, and since have been on an AMAZING journey out of the abyss of fear.

All that said- I was prompted by the Lord to join Weight Watchers, and also a gym. Since January 20th, I have lost a total of 19 pounds, and I feel great! I am going to the gym three mornings a week at 5am- and when I try to not go- my spirit literally wars within my body until I submit and do it. More important than the weight loss is the deliverance from fear, not only in this area of my life, but in all areas of my life. (That's another post though!). Trusting the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength is allowing Him to show me areas where I have strongholds, and then give Him the power to deliver me. Praise the Lord! It hasn't always been easy, but He has been there every step of the way with me.

Finally, Prov. 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."

Go ahead and try it. Just don't be surprised if He totally changes your life.

And starts waking you up at 5 am! AMEN AND AMEN.

Just a Small Rant

I can't help it. I really can't.

Daylight Savings Time (DST) makes me crazier than a hound dog in a chicken factory!

For days I go around looking at the clocks thinking, "I know it says it's 3:00, but it's really 2:00-so I don't have to start on this... yet". I can't get my kids to bed now before the clock says 10 or 10:30 -because their little bodies think it's only 9 or 9:30. Not to mention that their real bed time starts at 8:30- which their bodies currently think of as 7:30 when the clock says 8:30. That's not to mention the taxing of my capabilities when the alarm goes off 3 times a week at 5:00 am- yes that's AM PEOPLE- 5:00 am for me to go to the gym--- and my body thinks it's really 4:00 am- yes, that's AM AGAIN PEOPLE!! I haven't written my post yet about why (dear Lord, why) I am going to the gym 3 times a week at 5:00 AM- actually the dear Lord is why- but we'll get to that later.

WHEW! Not to mention that I read somewhere that the whole idea was started to SAVE CANDLES- for pity's sake. Now, not that I'm against those of us who are still lighting our homes with candles- don't get me wrong- but what are the odds that people who live that way even OWN A CLOCK?!?! Oh yeah, and then there's that nifty little thing called research, that proves that it doesn't even save money and time- just spends it! (click the link and search for daylight savings time). Google it, I dare you! It will literally make your head spin.....

Deep breath... OK... I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

Made me laugh until I snorted!

These two posts about did me in:

Juliemom- Blast from the Past

BooMama- We Are Considering Sideline Careers as Nature Guides

Warning: Only go there after emptying your bladder, and swallowing whatever is in your mouth at the time!

God is working in my Life!

I realize it's been an awful long time since I last posted, but I'm just so bursting with news. I figured I must share with someone, anyone-- is there anyone left still even checking my blog?

Oh well...

A few months ago, I posted that I was taking a hiatus because of a particular area that God was stretching and challenging me in- and I needed the time to spend with Him. Well, God has taken me through that to the other side, and has already given me my next assignment- so I've got some time again. And, I just couldn't hold back on the Lord by not sharing all He is doing in my life! My particular challenge back in November was to "work out my own salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil. 2:12). Specifically, I got saved back in 1995, but for a long time, had not really been living like it. My life was so full of sin that I didn't even feel the presence of God anymore. And then the doubts crept in- if I was truly saved, why was I afraid to talk about it, how could I act the way I did and still consider myself a child of God? Why was life so hard all the time?

I had periods of this before in my life, but this one was characterized by the absolute, burning desire to KNOW FOR SURE if I was saved, once and for all, and then to get on with it! The Lord impressed on me not to speak to anyone (even my husband) about it. For you see, it mattered not what everyone else though-- only that I be right with the Lord Jesus Christ. So for the first time in my whole life, I did not speak to anyone about a problem.

Praise God for His awesome timing in all things, for the very next week at church our pastor preached from I John 3: 11-15. "And this is the record, that God hath given us eternal life, and this life is in His son. He that hath the son, hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God, hath not life. These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life...." The Lord used that message as a spring board of faith for me to step out and truly ask God if I was saved- and if so, to take the doubts away from me.

Through the following months, I saw, on a daily basis, evidence of the fruits of salvation in my life. A transformed heart and spirit of love and forgiveness, increased faith, the resurgence of love for God's word that makes me hunger for it- it was as if God had finally opened my eyes to all He has done and is doing in my life to transform me into His likeness. I think often times because the changes can be so gradual, that we miss the overall view of ourselves in comparison. I do not mean by all of this that God has made me a perfect, sin free person- only that I see Him more and more in my imperfections. 2 Cor 12:9 "...My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

I saw also the areas of sin in my life that were allowing the devil to come in and attack me with doubt- specifically at that time it was not reading God's word on a daily basis. I cannot explain how it works- but I do know that the word is likened to "food", and that without a regular intake of it, my life had become malnourished. That lead to weakness, fleshly thinking and acting, and sin. Romans 12:2 says: "And be ye not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God." So, you see, when I was trying to change my sinful behavior outside of this transforming power, I was failing and weak. Easy pickings for the devil who is described thusly: "...because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." I Peter 5: 8.

I'm sure this seems mighty elementary to some, but please believe me when I say that I never really had accepted these truths in my heart, and that is a major reason why I was in doubt all the time. I encourage you that if you feel questions about your salvation status, to ask God in faith to show you- and He will. It may or may not be the same path as mine- but He will answer you.

And, if you've never considered the claims of Christ and the Bible- please click http/www.vb.org search for "Romans Road", read it with an open heart, and consider it. I guarantee you that it will transform your life.

Since then, God has gently lead me in other areas of growth. Once I was able to be free of the cloud of self-condemnation, and allow God to speak to me- then I could truly become what He has for me. Praise God for His faithfulness!

Coming soon- a life and death struggle for a loved one, and the awesome transforming power of God.