In my last post, I gave you all the awesome news that my husband and I are expecting our fourth child in January 2009. To say this news has literally changed my life would be an understatement.
Back in January of this year, when the Lord finally got through to my heart that I needed to deal with my sin issues with food, I was raring to go. I was so pumped up, walking so closely to Him and His word, that it seemed daily I would see multiple evidences of His love, care and provision for my life. I loved Weight Watchers, never felt hungry, and had very few urges to binge. This honeymoon phase lasted until the first week I gained weight. You see, I thought that I had totally surrendered the results to the Lord, but I had to have a week where I gained to see that I was becoming complacent in my success. I had stopped focusing solely on the Lord, started taking some credit for myself, and started to really feel like "I've got this beat now!"
When this happened, I was humbled immediately. My emotions were very up and down- I was angry with myself for "failing", angry with the Lord for my gaining weight, relieved that it had finally happened- so I could deal with it, and disappointed. I promptly went into a two day binge- stopped measuring food, tracked less, didn't exercise. Then I really realized how much my good feelings about what were happening were tied up in the results at the scale. If a one pound gain could send me "off the wagon", what was my real motivation? To please God? Or to see the weight come off? Of course I wanted to be obedient to God- that's what started this whole process. The weight coming off was a bonus- as was the extra energy from exercising and all the other benefits. But the reality is, that even if I never lose another pound for the rest of my life, I am still supposed to eat healthily, exercise, and have a right relationship to food. Because it has been an idol in my life, I need to battle it every day, through God's power, to keep it in the proper place. I repented, and moved on.
That brings me to the now. Since I found out I am pregnant, I have been a little flummoxed to say the least. I have been unable to attend any meetings, can't even weigh in on the same scale, and in the past 3 weeks have been sick twice (sinus infection and stomach flu), so my attendance at the gym has been spotty at best. I have found myself unsure how to proceed. I am supposed to eat 12 extra points a day for the pregnancy, but have found that is WAY too much food. So instead of continuing to make the healthier choices, I have reverted to lots of carbs and fats, and decreased the fruits and veggies. In the back of my mind has been this little voice saying, "You are pregnant now- you know you need at least 2000 calories a day- that's what your doctor told you, and it's too hard to get that through veggies and fruit. No-one is seeing your weight, and even if they are and you gain- it's OK because your pregnant." WOW! My, how quickly we can fall! I have known for a week or more that I've been slipping, but really haven't felt much like dealing with it- it's gotten so complicated. But....but.... I'm still supposed to be obedient. So-
I praise the Lord for a new friend He has recently given me. Today I read her post and KNEW what was wrong. I have lost my first love. I have gotten away from the knowledge that my relationship to food is a sin if it's in the wrong proportion to my relationship to my Father in heaven. And I've used His blessing of a new baby as an excuse to do it. Well if that's not typical addict behavior, I don't know what is! Lord God, forgive me.
I tell you this not because I like airing my dirty laundry, but because I must admit it to get on with life. I hope someone out there who reads this will be encouraged in a similar struggle to cling to the Lord in times of change and avoid the mistakes I made. I know my Father makes no mistakes, and thank him for using my friend's timely words to speak to my sinning heart. I refuse to give up or give in and quit. I will focus my eyes upon Him to gain my daily strength and needs- the food will then take care of itself. I will keep going to the gym, even if I can hardly move from the pregnancy, because God told me to. I don't need man's approval to do it- only my Father in heaven. Would you please pray for me as I forge ahead in my journey?
I gotta go now. I've got some business to take care of with my Father. Praise the Lord!