The Apple Doesn't Fall Far..Part 2

Lest you think we have lost our sense of humor here at chez Wendymom- this little incident should reassure you.

As much as my daughter is like me, my son is like my husband. Easy going, kind of shy until he gets to know you, goofy sense of humor, and laid back. We often joke that the Lord has given us mini versions of ourselves- and that's why we both gravitate toward the opposite child.

Last week was kind of crazy around here- the hubby was in California for a business trip, the missionary family we had living here was leaving, and it was my baby's second birthday on the weekend. Additionally, we housed a nationally known speaker from the homeschool movement who was in town for the weekend for a meeting.

So, on Saturday after soccer- I asked the whole family to pitch in and help me get ready for the party on Sunday afternoon. Now, mind you, the first floor was pretty clean given the presence of the out of town guest (sometime soon I'll blog about that one)- but the 2nd floor was a decided mess. Why does this matter? Because the toy room is up there, and I knew the kids coming to the party would want to play in it. Given that the floor was not really visible- it needed a good picking up and vacuuming. I am a little neurotic in that I figure if there will be kids in the toy room, there may end up being adults up there as well- they may have to mediate, help clean up etc. So, I wanted the rest of the 2nd floor picked up and vacuumed as well. Oh, and the 2 bathrooms up there needed to be wiped down just in case someone was busy in the one down here and they were needed. I think you're getting the picture. I promise, I really wasn't trying to make the place spotless- just not so embarrassing!

Back to Saturday afternoon. Hubby and 5 year old son were sitting in the dining room as I was laying out the one task I wanted their help with- just pick up the toy room and bedrooms so I could come through and vacuum uninterrupted- when my son looked at me with a genuinely perplexed look and said the following,

"Momma, why can't you leave it the way it is?... it looks fine to me!"

When I tell you my head swiveled around to catch my husband's eye so fast I almost herniated something- I mean it. It was all I could do to not bust out laughing and crying at the same time.

If I have heard that e-x-a-c-t sentence once, I've heard it a hundred times from my husband's mouth. I just never expected the genetics to kick in so soon.

Needless to say, both hubby and I laughed a good natured chuckle, shaking our heads and marveling at it.

Then, I put them all to work!

Oh my...

Today was an interesting day. This morning we went to soccer with the 3 kids, hubby is an assistant coach on the boy's team, and the baby and I roam between the fields for 2 1/2 hours each week showing our "family support". When hubby and I decided to have our kids involved in things, we decided that if at all possible, we would go to them as a family- hence my presence there each week.

This week was a little different- a very good friend of mine was there with her 3 week old baby boy. I saw them from across the field, went over and sat down with her and her husband. She offered to let me hold the baby- was very sweet about it- and so I did. I can't describe to you the total feeling of my mind and heart ripping in two at that time. Oh my, such a beautiful little newborn boy- soft, cute, smelling like a baby. Such happiness and joy for my friend and her family.

At the same time, such pain in my heart. I will never get to hold my son David as a 3 week old like that. I miss him. I still want him. And, it hurts. I could hardly keep the tears at bay while I talked with my friend- I didn't want to bring her sadness during this awesome time. I have been teary eyed all day since then.

Additionally, today was the day I was to prepare a meal for another friend who just had a baby. Hers is a boy too. Praise the Lord for my awesome husband who delivered it for me- no questions asked. I told him I've been sad about the baby today and he has asked me about 12 times if there's anything he can do for me. Thank you for that, Lord.

To add to my plate- my, ahem, "friend" has arrived as well. I keep telling the Lord that it is all in His control, but then my heart desires what it cannot have.

I am going to delve into the following scripture and make it my own for the rest of this weary day.

Psalm 35: 17-19, 22
The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart,
and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
The Lord redeemeth the soul of His servants,
and none of them that trust in Him shall be desolate.

Thanks for listening.

Daily Reminders of God's Grace

Let's just say I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. Hypothetically speaking- overwhelmed, grieving, frustrated, and stressed. Anybody else ever been there?

The Lord used this post to remind me, gently I might add, of my value in my home to the children I have here. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the "doing" of being a homeschooling mommy, that I forget about the "being" and the big picture.

This morning I was humbled to discover this blog. I read through a very brief section of this lovely lady's posts, and found myself so deeply touched by her plight. Oh my word- what a little perspective won't do for you!

Yes, I am grieving deeply the loss of our baby, and yes, it is painful. But there are others out there dealing with much different and more challenging things. The one thing I do know is that God cares about all of it- and has it all in His grand plan for each of us. Would you please pray for me today to be strong, and for these other ladies as well? Thank you.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far....

Some people tell me that I am rather a bit of a "crusader". I'm sure it's because when I get passionate about something, I can't let it go until it is properly cared for. I absolutely despise injustice- when I see something "wrong" happening, I will work until it is righted. Customer service is always a biggie for me- because I was a waitress, secretary, and nurse at various points in my life. I have the insiders track into these areas, and am not afraid to speak up until something is resolved.

So, yes, this means that I have called the "1-800-Taco-Bell" number to report the 17 year old workers there for using foul language when I came through the drive through. My hubby will literally stand back, shaking his head and laughing as I go to work. I always try to be respectful, and take the "catch more bees with honey than vinegar" approach first- at least until I meet resistance. Then I have been known to go toe to toe with the tenacity of a bull dog. Oh, there are stories about me that are almost legendary from my time as a nurse.

This past week a good friend of mine asked me to drive one of her kids for swim lessons because her other child had a high fever. I of course offered to come get him so she wouldn't have to leave the house. She just lives in the next town over- the town that is the same mailing address as mine. I don't go over to this town very often, for everything I need is much closer to my home if I go east instead of west. Oh, and every time I go to this particular town, I get lost. Not just a little lost- but really lost. I don't know what it is, especially since our area is literally laid out like a grid, with north/south roads regularly intersected by multiple east/west roads. The road leading into this town, however, is one of those where two routes converge into one and then diverge again. Right in the middle of town, with one sign pointing to the divergence. If you miss the sign, you miss the road. Simple as that. Even my husband- who once drove us home from Vermont with no map , on the scenic route through the Adirondacks, gets turned around there.

After I assured my friend I would pick up her son, I went on Google maps to find directions to her house. Mind you, I've been there before, but wanted to have something with me as a guide in case I got lost in the Bermuda triangle again. We set out in plenty of time to get there early, and wonder of wonders, I got lost. Again. I followed the directions on the map search to a "t" and still couldn't find it. I drove up and down the same road 5 times looking for the side street to turn on, all the while with the kids in the back helpfully adding "Mom, we're lost." "Momma, if we're late for swim lessons, can we still go in the pool?" and other helpful things. I won't go into detail about how high my blood pressure was after about 10 minutes of this- especially when I looked in my purse and discovered I had left my cell phone home. Oh, and I was due at swim lessons to teach the bible study/lesson before it started- no pressure there! We did eventually reach our friend's home, picked up their son and got back on the road. The problem had been that the directions weren't as clear as they could've been about the two roads splitting back off from one another- you are told on Google maps to "follow" a certain route- but they don't specify that the two split off from one another on Main Street, on a tiny section where you have about one second to see the sign.

I'm getting to the point, really I am!

As we were driving away, my 8 year old daughter piped up from the back seat- "Momma, we should go onto the internet, to the "how are we doing section" of Google maps and tell them they were wrong." I'm like, "Um, hum honey, sure". Then she says, "Here's what we'll say- Dear Google maps- you are wrong! We had to go pick up a friend for swim lessons today and got lost because of you. I am not happy about it. I was very mad about it too. We almost didn't make it to lessons on time, and if you don't fix it, the next person will be late too. Next time, we are going to use the competitors map. The ---- Family." I almost drove off the road, cracking up. She had it down perfectly! And I promise the line about the competitor is totally authentic.

Apparently, this trait is genetic. I have never included a section on "How to be a crusader for all that is right and good" in our homeschool curriculum, but the child has it d-o-w-n. Amazing! The cool part is that if we can get her raised up in her beliefs about God as the ultimate authority of right/wrong, she will be less likely to be swayed from them because of this. And, she won't be afraid to speak out for Him. Kind of like a superhero who has to learn to use their power for good. So, for this I am grateful today.

My Wake Up Call

Have you ever gone through something so painful that you literally don't even want to think about it, much less feel it- but it keeps popping up anyway? My life has been that way for the last 4 weeks or so, and it's getting kind of tiring. This post is about how God showed me a way out- at least for today. Right after we lost baby David, we went to California for 2 weeks. It was a great time away from the reality of life, but as soon as we got home, things came crashing in again. While we were out there, my father had a stroke and was hospitalized for 3 days. It was very difficult to be so far away during that time. In addition, I recently found out that a member of our last missionary family to stay with us (in April) has been diagnosed with tuberculosis. I am devastated for her and her family, praying and loving on her from afar- but also concerned about my family. We now have to go to the Health Department and all be screened for TB. Of course, I am most concerned about my kids- and I can't even bear the thought that I might lose another child. So, yesterday I was really struggling with wanting to give it all up. I know my life was empty and crazy without the Lord, but who wants all the pain, attack, stress, and trial that comes with walking with the Lord as He conforms us to His image. For He promises us in I Peter 4: 12-13 that we will have trials. "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: but rejoice, inasmuch as you are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy." Yeah, wow, some day, the bible promises, I will be "glad, with exceeding joy" about all this. I haven't really been feeling that way about it. I wanted to walk away. Give up on God and the Christian life, and be like everyone else.

BUT-

Today, I opened my Bible and found Psalm 73. I was at the gym- trying to get a hold again of the commitment to my fitness and health as I promised my Father in January (which I have been struggling mightily with I might add)- and just let my bible fall open. This is what the Lord showed me-

Verses 2-3, 5: "But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped- for I was envious of the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked" This is true- me feet were almost gone into depressions and grief, and the desire to walk away.

I was envious of the world because of verse 5- "They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men". I could wholeheartedly agree with the psalmist in envying that position.

In verses 14 and 16, the psalmist describes perfectly my feelings of yesterday, "for all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning...when I thought to know this, it was too painful for me."

Then, verses 17 and 20 were the wake up call I needed, "Until I went into the sanctuary of God: then I understood their end...as a dream when one awaketh; so, Oh Lord, when thou awakest, thou shall despise their image." God literally despises these people- the image of their lives are of no use to Him whatsoever, nor does He care to try them to allow them to draw closer to Him. The people who are without trial are not loved by the Lord the way those of us who are in the thick of it are. When we envy them, we are as verse 22 states, " So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee." Like an animal- no thought, feeling or life outside of being driven by blind habit and repeated action.

Yet, even in the midst of the harshest thing about this psalm- He again promises His love and care for us. Verses 23-24 state "Nevertheless I am continually with thee; thou hast holden my right hand- thou shall guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory." He has never left me through this, even when I echoed the psalmists words in verse 26 "My flesh and my heart faileth", but instead promises to be continually with me, holding my right hand, guiding every step with His counsel, and with the the reward of being received into glory.

So now my prayer for today is verses 25 and 29, " Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my tust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works." May I desire Him more than anything, even if it means walking through these trails of faith, trusting He will never let go of my hand, and that these trails are His guiding my life through His counsels. Remembering that even when my flesh and my heart fail, "God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." (verse 26).

Thank you Father.

The Journey

Hey all- I'm sure most of you know this by now, but I wanted to post something general about this to get the info out there, and to say it out loud again (it's helping me to admit it's real).

So, the bad news is that Eric and I lost our baby. At 9 weeks we went for an ultrasound and found out that the baby died at about 6 weeks. Some time later I may blog about the whole experience because I feel it might be helpful to others out there, and only as God leads me to. Suffice to say, it's full of pain, mercy, love, joy, peace, and agony. Amazing how one event can do all that. BUT, the good news is that we now know for sure that one of our kids is safe.

That is, SAFE in heaven with God. Never to sin. Never to turn away from God. Never to feel pain, struggle, or cry because someone was mean to him. Never to suffer. He was created, and then he was with God. The ultimate goal of every Christian parent is to raise kids that love the Lord, accept Him as their Saviour, and end up in heaven with Him. I could never wish for less for my son. I would not wish him here for one minute if it meant him not ending up in heaven.
But, it does hurt. Many times a day, for a variety of reasons.

Oh, and we did name him. Both Eric and I prayed and felt that the Lord answered that it was a boy- so David Alan Merz is now in heaven.

Psalm 63: 1-7
"Oh, God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land where no water is, to see thy power and thy glory , so as I have seen in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better that life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips when I remember thee upon my bed , and meditate on thee in the night watches- because thou has been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings, will I rejoice."

Amen, and amen.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way....

In my last post, I gave you all the awesome news that my husband and I are expecting our fourth child in January 2009. To say this news has literally changed my life would be an understatement.

Back in January of this year, when the Lord finally got through to my heart that I needed to deal with my sin issues with food, I was raring to go. I was so pumped up, walking so closely to Him and His word, that it seemed daily I would see multiple evidences of His love, care and provision for my life. I loved Weight Watchers, never felt hungry, and had very few urges to binge. This honeymoon phase lasted until the first week I gained weight. You see, I thought that I had totally surrendered the results to the Lord, but I had to have a week where I gained to see that I was becoming complacent in my success. I had stopped focusing solely on the Lord, started taking some credit for myself, and started to really feel like "I've got this beat now!"

When this happened, I was humbled immediately. My emotions were very up and down- I was angry with myself for "failing", angry with the Lord for my gaining weight, relieved that it had finally happened- so I could deal with it, and disappointed. I promptly went into a two day binge- stopped measuring food, tracked less, didn't exercise. Then I really realized how much my good feelings about what were happening were tied up in the results at the scale. If a one pound gain could send me "off the wagon", what was my real motivation? To please God? Or to see the weight come off? Of course I wanted to be obedient to God- that's what started this whole process. The weight coming off was a bonus- as was the extra energy from exercising and all the other benefits. But the reality is, that even if I never lose another pound for the rest of my life, I am still supposed to eat healthily, exercise, and have a right relationship to food. Because it has been an idol in my life, I need to battle it every day, through God's power, to keep it in the proper place. I repented, and moved on.

That brings me to the now. Since I found out I am pregnant, I have been a little flummoxed to say the least. I have been unable to attend any meetings, can't even weigh in on the same scale, and in the past 3 weeks have been sick twice (sinus infection and stomach flu), so my attendance at the gym has been spotty at best. I have found myself unsure how to proceed. I am supposed to eat 12 extra points a day for the pregnancy, but have found that is WAY too much food. So instead of continuing to make the healthier choices, I have reverted to lots of carbs and fats, and decreased the fruits and veggies. In the back of my mind has been this little voice saying, "You are pregnant now- you know you need at least 2000 calories a day- that's what your doctor told you, and it's too hard to get that through veggies and fruit. No-one is seeing your weight, and even if they are and you gain- it's OK because your pregnant." WOW! My, how quickly we can fall! I have known for a week or more that I've been slipping, but really haven't felt much like dealing with it- it's gotten so complicated. But....but.... I'm still supposed to be obedient. So-

I praise the Lord for a new friend He has recently given me. Today I read her post and KNEW what was wrong. I have lost my first love. I have gotten away from the knowledge that my relationship to food is a sin if it's in the wrong proportion to my relationship to my Father in heaven. And I've used His blessing of a new baby as an excuse to do it. Well if that's not typical addict behavior, I don't know what is! Lord God, forgive me.

I tell you this not because I like airing my dirty laundry, but because I must admit it to get on with life. I hope someone out there who reads this will be encouraged in a similar struggle to cling to the Lord in times of change and avoid the mistakes I made. I know my Father makes no mistakes, and thank him for using my friend's timely words to speak to my sinning heart. I refuse to give up or give in and quit. I will focus my eyes upon Him to gain my daily strength and needs- the food will then take care of itself. I will keep going to the gym, even if I can hardly move from the pregnancy, because God told me to. I don't need man's approval to do it- only my Father in heaven. Would you please pray for me as I forge ahead in my journey?

I gotta go now. I've got some business to take care of with my Father. Praise the Lord!